Here I am, in Palmdale. Yet again I’ve caught something and I’m down for the count. At least this time I knew what I came down with (a cold), and I know how to treat it (rest). But this cold did something no cold has ever done to me: clogged my ear and gave me vertigo. How the… how the heck can I hike with this?
Why the hell does this keep happening?
Is it me?
Am I doing this to myself?
Am I… a wuss?
Maybe. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m just trying to get attention, like the youngest child/only daughter I am. “Pity me! I’m miserable! Give me your love and attention!”
…didn’t I come out here to be miserable though? To test my mettle? To push my limits?
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered quitting at this point. Yeah there’d be a lot of consequences for that, and a lot of hard shit to process while I get back on my feet, but the weak part of me seems okay with that.
Anything is better than this misery, right?
A divorce is worse than this misery. Being alone is worse. Knowing that I dragged my ass out here for nothing is worse, and I forced Evan into this.
The consequences of quitting are worse than the consequences of continuing.
I need to keep going and I need to be tougher on myself. Yes, it’s okay to be gentle and take it easy, but not when you’re trying to walk from Mexico to Canada. You just can’t. It won’t happen.
I’ve walked 400+ miles so far, but it took 6 weeks, and I can do so much better than that. I’m not pushing myself enough. I’m taking the easy way out each time. I’ll take a short day over a long day whenever I can because ‘I don’t know how I’ll feel’. Bullshit, Weasel, that’s the point. When you get there you’ll find out how you feel, and then you’ll deal with it. You’ll never do 20+ mile days if you never try to.
I need to stop hitting that snooze button and get the fuck out of my sleeping bag and tackle the day with gusto. Siestas are still good, but not super long ones. Then get the rest of the day out of the way. I need to eat my food that I take, whether I like it or not. Nothing has made me ACTUALLY vomit yet, so just eat it. Jfc.
Grow up, Weasel. Be the badass you’re meant to be.
Stop making excuses.